Dear God,
Tomorrow, I will be 30 years old! This is a milestone that causes me to reflect on the big picture – of Your work in, with through, and for me throughout these 30 years.
God, I know You are outside of time, so I don’t understand how Your plans work in my time-bound life. But I have to write down some of my richest experiences with You, both simple and difficult, as an Ebenezer to Your faithfulness to me! We have a precious story together – though on my end, in my day-to-day life, it often feels like I am not doing the right things, or even anything at all. But, “The pace of love is slow.”
My mother’s dedication to You. The image of her studying the Bible every single day is burned into my heart.
My doubts about Your existence, coming at a very early age.
My baptism at age 8, a declaration that I personally accepted responsibility for my own walk.
My trips to Africa – seeing the poverty, learning to use the Word and teach from it, seeing the “Fear of the Lord” at the ocean by the slave castle.
“Jeremiah 23” – when You miraculously answered my prayers about intellectual doubt!
My re-baptism at age 18, extinguishing my concerns about my first baptism happening when I was too young. A statement of faith that I choose You (God, Jesus) as the only source of Truth.
East Cobb – the uncanny way I got the job, the title of “minister” opening doors, planning several lessons every week and sharpening my teaching skills, forming habits of prayer, learning to rely totally on You
Lance’s challenge to me to face my long-standing doubts and ask my questions. Delving into months of research and interviews. Being armed with many reasons to believe, but learning it is still a choice of faith.
My marriage to Lance – a strong person to rely on, my true partner and team-mate in all of life!
My parents’ divorce. Walking through anger toward forgiveness. Still learning about boundaries and balance.
8 months of trying to conceive my first child – and the last month of suffering before I got pregnant.
Cornerstone – living my dream of singing in front of people, writing and recording songs, enjoying the beauty of harmony, encouraging others, all in Your name.
Elijah. The wonder of becoming a parent, of learning to shape a mind by reading the Word, praying for and with, exposing him to ministry… the up-speakable joy and laughter of living life through a child’s eyes!
My miscarriage – felt so hungry for You. Felt Your arms around me, almost physically. Learned You are not the God of the dead, but of the Living! Experienced the unbelievable blessing of cards, emails, flowers, phone calls, food from the church.
Camp Blue Haven – partnering with Lance for ministry like never before, finding use for my talents and meeting You in worship and the fellowship of daily community.
Kate. Hearing the words, “It’s a Girl” was the best surprise in the world! Delight in seeing the children grow in relationship to each other. Enjoying newness of girl things and toys, hearing her voice, singing together, looking forward to so many things to experience together!
The passing of time. Watching my children grow up is a precious and sometimes painful experience. When they are different every day, it hurts to see their younger selves go! Learning to focus on who they are becoming instead of who they were
“I Surrender All.” Facing my doubts about “The Cafeteria Table,” trying to reconcile daily Christian living with the lifestyle in the Bible. Poring over Mere Christianity. Knowing You want stability for my family, but if I give anything up for Your sake, it would be more than worth it! That prayer moment we shared on my couch in summer ’08 that was almost like my 3rd conversion. I would give everything for You.
After dreaming she died, writing a letter to my mother to tell her exactly what she means to me and what I’ve learned from her. I have peace that she’ll never wonder.
Meme. Spending long days and even nights with her. Watching her with my children. Enjoying the legacy of family care. Learning to care for her when she was bedridden. Hearing the stories of the past, playing games, and sewing. Some of the most treasured of all my memories. Sending her a letter, telling her what she means to me.
LOFT Single Moms Ministry. Had felt disillusioned with the church after CBH; was hungry for a place to be real, to be used, without crossing Lance’s comfort zones. Sink-your-teeth-in ministry. Learning from Carin about faith that risks self in Your name and true others-centered lifestyle. Hearing women’s stories for 3 ½ years that have shaped my heart’s capacity for compassion. Seeing the whole body at work, feeling fulfilled in my role in Your kingdom: Living for Your mission, making a contribution, and offering my talents to You.
Three newer things, through which I’m still looking for what I’ll learn:
Disappointment. Perhaps part of aging… you learn your opportunities are more limited than they used to be. Wishing some things were different, knowing some things may never change.
Worship Team/Praise Team. Enjoying putting my talents to use, being in a leadership role for a chance to make things different!
Close girl friendships – thankfulness for deepening connections, happiness to walk the journey with people I enjoy!
God, this is remarkable! I was able to fill pages with notes about big things You’ve given or taught me in 30 years. I give You all the glory!
When I look at my life on a day-to-day basis, sometimes it feels like I’m just going through the motions, and maybe I’m not doing the right things. Maybe I’m not growing. But when I look at the big picture, I see how Your hand has worked! You have taught me. Blessed me.
It's like watching my children grow up. Seeing them every day, I don't notice the thousands of small changes that are constantly happening. But when I look at snapshots of them at different points, I can tell how much they have grown.
Looking at the whole course of my life, I can see how you walked with me through every doubt, answered my every desire, gave me everything I need for life and godliness. Each experience with You has taught me or given me something. Shaped my heart, made me who I am. I have been immeasurably blessed with knowledge, relationships, and meaningful opportunities to serve.
On this, the occasion of my 30th birthday, I give myself to You all over again. This time, I want to be more moldable. I want to listen better and be quick to take in what You’re trying to teach me. But mostly, I truly want to thank You . The beauty of Your work in my story is amazing!
Love,
