I Will Fear No Evil, For Thou Art With Me

Elijah is afraid to go to sleep at night.

He has had a hard time, in varying degrees, for a long time now - I remember first talking about the problem with a friend of mine when he was only four (he's six now). He was first scared of a cartoon version of the Joker on Batman... the image of that scary face stayed with him when he was alone at night.

It wasn't that he has a bad dream and wakes up... it seems if he can ever just get to sleep, he'll rest peacefully all night. It's just that time of being in his bed, alone with his thoughts, that things get carried away.

I talked with lots of friends and did lots of reading online for helpful ideas of how to cure the "something's under my bed" notion. We've talked about faith, let him sleep with a Bible (or even a toy sword!), and prayed with and for him. We've done inspections of his room with him, and he has slept with two lights on for over two years now. He used to sleep with music on, too, until he got ready to stop that. He always has a bunch of stuffed animals around him - in fact, we've let him choose whether he'd like to sleep on his bed or in his stuffed animal pile. He often switches back and forth between them. We let him look at as many books as he'd like, to try to calm his mind... and have even told him that, if he wakes up in the night, he can look at a book. We've tried visualizing happy scenes and doing "trust falls" and reading Scripture, even posting it on the wall in his bedroom. But all these things seem to work only for a few days... they don't fix the problem.

What he is specifically afraid of has changed over time. It was the Joker, then it was bad guys, then it was something else from a bad dream he had. Lance and I have learned that it is more than just "being afraid of the dark"... it seems he simply doesn't want to be alone as he falls asleep. It's funny - just the presence of someone else really calms him. If it is a parent, that is best, but being in the room with Kate is enough. Even our cat is a comfort to him. Just being in eyeshot is not enough - he wants to feel the presence.

When we send him to bed, he is usually happy and smiling. Then, in just a few minutes, he'll come into the living room or kitchen and tell us he is afraid. We gently remind him of all the things he already knows. Sometimes this is enough to relax him. But sometimes he gets very worked up. Usually in these situations, Lance will go and lay down with him, and often he is asleep in less than five minutes.

I was thinking tonight how often I am like Elijah. I know things - I believe - in my mind, but my emotion takes over. In a crisis, I find myself asking lots of questions. Why, again, is this happening? And, God, remind me... what was it that you were going to do to help me?

And I also find myself wanting that feeling of His presence, just like Elijah. I go to God and tell Him I have a problem. He patiently reminds me that He is in control, that He can see everything, and that He will step in if I need anything. But I can't hold on to that knowledge. I want to feel that He is with me, not just know it in my mind.

I heard a very memorable sermon once, entitled "Presence is Better Than Answers." Bill Young reminded us that in trying and frightening times, we naturally ask God many questions. But the Psalmist penned this too-familiar phrase: "I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me." Not, "I will fear no evil, for I have all the answers." Simply, "for Thou art with me."

CS Lewis says, "Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted, in spite of your changing moods. ...One must train the habit of Faith."

It's often not enough to know something in your mind... you have to choose to believe it and trust in its certainty over and over before it becomes habit.

But I am thankful that we have a God who knows how easily we forget. We can go to Him - every night if necessary - and say, "I'm afraid." And He will patiently remind us of the same things He told us yesterday. It's just like turning the lights on (Psalm 119:105). And sometimes that is enough to comfort us. But other nights, He will come and sit with us until we can rest.

• "But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge" (Psalm 73:28).
• "I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings" (Psalm 61:4).

I have always loved the intimacy and care described in John 10, when Jesus says, "The man who enters by the gate is the shepherd of his sheep. The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger's voice."

God knows just what we need. Yes, we, collectively, but also we as individuals. He keeps us safe, and we will feel that we are safe if we are familiar with His voice. I wonder what tender, calming words He speaks to His sheep. I want to know His voice so well, that when the questions come, His comforting presence is the only answer I need.

There is Comfort, There is Peace

I love movies more than anyone. 

When my kids hit the sack, that's the first thing I wanna do: turn on the TV. I don't watch cable, but I do have Netflix. I've had a subscription for over 2 years. I have 279 movies in my queue! And that's movies I HAVEN'T seen. On the Netflix site, you can rate movies you've seen. I have rated 1,848. That number is almost beyond imaginable. If each one is 2 hours long, that's 3,696 hours, or 154 DAYS of my life I've spent watching movies. I love them! Stories. People. Chick flicks. Action. Comedy. Romance. Silly. Touching. You name it - watching a movie is definitely one of my favorite things to do!

Lately, though, I've been realizing my desire to 'turn on the tube' has sealed off the quiet time in my heart. It is true that, as a parent, I often have so much on my mind, sometimes I can't rest for all the thoughts swirling in my head.  And I use the excuse that my life as a stay-at-home mom is so hectic, what I really need to do is relax and not think for a bit. But that's so far from the truth. While I think it's fine to enjoy a good story on the screen, I have to leave enough time and energy for reflection on my role, my goals, my life in Christ. Escaping my exhaustion in front of a movie leaves me feeling burnt out when I wake up in the morning.

My sister recently reminded me that, as I lay in bed falling asleep, instead of letting guilt, worry, and regret cloud my thoughts about today, I should compliment myself on three things I did well. I need to listen to God's gentle love comforting me when I tend to stress over everything that isn't perfect.

When I put a quick halt to my thoughts by shutting them down and watching a movie, my worries are never dealth with. They are only tabled, to be piled onto by tomorrow's clutter. I love when I read Scripture - it's like cleaning out the closet in my heart. Time-consuming work, but so satisfying. Why do I put it off, even resist it?

With this in mind, I am setting the goal of blogging at least once a week. It is a good outlet to process the events of the day, instead of popping in a DVD. I am also going to take up my endeavor to memorize scripture - working on it at least 3 times a week. Pray for me as I resist the temptation not to think, to reflect, to be. "In quietness and trust is your strength" (Isaiah 30:15).

Unanswered Prayers

I have been involved in ministry to single moms for 3 and a half years. Week after week, women in painful circumstances come and pour their hearts out to each other, asking all kinds of questions, sharing unbelievable stories. 

I've sat and listened for three and a half years. I've met and talked with over 40 women in these circumstances. We have shared many tears as they talk about the unthinkable: Abandonment. Domestic violence. Verbal and emotional abuse from parents. Drug abuse. Legal trouble. Criminal records. Poverty. Chronic joblessness. Homelessness. Unplanned pregnancy. Co-habitation. Divorce. Breakups. Disease. Dying children.

What is this all about? Why does it happen? We pray in our pain, over and over again, asking for relief, for answers. 

When we ask for something and don’t receive it, it’s easy to wonder why not. God’s power is incomprehensible. He can actually walk up to a dead person and tell them to come out of their grave. How much more does He have the power to fix what’s hurting us? Every single thing!

We take great comfort in God’s power. But we get confused and hurt, just like Mary and Martha when Lazarus died, when God doesn’t use His power to help us in our times of pain.

This happened to Jesus, too. In Gethsemane, Jesus asked God for something he knew he wouldn’t receive. He asked God to change his circumstances and keep Him from having to die. But God didn’t.

We focus so much on this life. No, our view is even smaller than that. We focus so much on our own little corner.

Look at this world map. There are thousands – even millions – of prayers going up every single day. God has the power to say yes to all of them. He could fix every single hurt in this world. Cancer, divorce, poverty, wars, drugs, child abuse, you name it. God could wipe it out. Forever.

Why doesn’t he?

Due to some writing Lance and I have been doing, we have been trying to think about "the Problem of Pain" (as CS Lewis calls it) from His perspective. Lance told me something so profound, and though I heard it, it didn't hit me in the heart until this afternoon. God chooses not to fix this world. Jesus often withdrew from the needy crowds pressing on him for healing. Jesus didn’t save John the Baptist from getting beheaded by Herod. God didn’t save Jesus from the Cross. Unanswered prayers.

God is not going to change every circumstance that is hurtful to us, even though He could. But God is fixing the problem of pain by pointing us to the next life. That is what Jesus was trying to tell us. He didn't raise Lazarus from the dead only out of compassion for Mary and Martha in their grief. It is much, much bigger than that. He wanted to make a statement:

The next life begins now, if we let God use our suffering. He won’t fix this world. But he can fix our hearts.

Faith is not preventative – it’s only an insurance policy that gives us security. When disaster occurs (and it will), we have a foundation from which to operate.

Relieving the problem of pain was not why he came. He just wanted to give a few “signs….” To show who he was, to point to the future, at the end of time. Only then will everything be put right.

"We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, who he has given us." 

--Romans 5:3-5

30 Years of God's Work

Dear God,

Tomorrow, I will be 30 years old! This is a milestone that causes me to reflect on the big picture – of Your work in, with through, and for me throughout these 30 years.

God, I know You are outside of time, so I don’t understand how Your plans work in my time-bound life. But I have to write down some of my richest experiences with You, both simple and difficult, as an Ebenezer to Your faithfulness to me! We have a precious story together – though on my end, in my day-to-day life, it often feels like I am not doing the right things, or even anything at all. But, “The pace of love is slow.”

My mother’s dedication to You. The image of her studying the Bible every single day is burned into my heart.

My doubts about Your existence, coming at a very early age.

My baptism at age 8, a declaration that I personally accepted responsibility for my own walk.

My trips to Africa – seeing the poverty, learning to use the Word and teach from it, seeing the “Fear of the Lord” at the ocean by the slave castle.

“Jeremiah 23” – when You miraculously answered my prayers about intellectual doubt!

My re-baptism at age 18, extinguishing my concerns about my first baptism happening when I was too young. A statement of faith that I choose You (God, Jesus) as the only source of Truth.

East Cobb – the uncanny way I got the job, the title of “minister” opening doors, planning several lessons every week and sharpening my teaching skills, forming habits of prayer, learning to rely totally on You

Lance’s challenge to me to face my long-standing doubts and ask my questions. Delving into months of research and interviews. Being armed with many reasons to believe, but learning it is still a choice of faith.

My marriage to Lance – a strong person to rely on, my true partner and team-mate in all of life!

My parents’ divorce. Walking through anger toward forgiveness. Still learning about boundaries and balance.

8 months of trying to conceive my first child – and the last month of suffering before I got pregnant.

Cornerstone – living my dream of singing in front of people, writing and recording songs, enjoying the beauty of harmony, encouraging others, all in Your name.

Elijah. The wonder of becoming a parent, of learning to shape a mind by reading the Word, praying for and with, exposing him to ministry… the up-speakable joy and laughter of living life through a child’s eyes!

My miscarriage – felt so hungry for You. Felt Your arms around me, almost physically. Learned You are not the God of the dead, but of the Living! Experienced the unbelievable blessing of cards, emails, flowers, phone calls, food from the church.

Camp Blue Haven – partnering with Lance for ministry like never before, finding use for my talents and meeting You in worship and the fellowship of daily community.

Kate. Hearing the words, “It’s a Girl” was the best surprise in the world! Delight in seeing the children grow in relationship to each other. Enjoying newness of girl things and toys, hearing her voice, singing together, looking forward to so many things to experience together!

The passing of time. Watching my children grow up is a precious and sometimes painful experience. When they are different every day, it hurts to see their younger selves go! Learning to focus on who they are becoming instead of who they were

“I Surrender All.” Facing my doubts about “The Cafeteria Table,” trying to reconcile daily Christian living with the lifestyle in the Bible. Poring over Mere Christianity. Knowing You want stability for my family, but if I give anything up for Your sake, it would be more than worth it! That prayer moment we shared on my couch in summer ’08 that was almost like my 3rd conversion. I would give everything for You.

After dreaming she died, writing a letter to my mother to tell her exactly what she means to me and what I’ve learned from her. I have peace that she’ll never wonder.

Meme. Spending long days and even nights with her. Watching her with my children. Enjoying the legacy of family care. Learning to care for her when she was bedridden. Hearing the stories of the past, playing games, and sewing. Some of the most treasured of all my memories. Sending her a letter, telling her what she means to me.

LOFT Single Moms Ministry. Had felt disillusioned with the church after CBH; was hungry for a place to be real, to be used, without crossing Lance’s comfort zones. Sink-your-teeth-in ministry. Learning from Carin about faith that risks self in Your name and true others-centered lifestyle. Hearing women’s stories for 3 ½ years that have shaped my heart’s capacity for compassion. Seeing the whole body at work, feeling fulfilled in my role in Your kingdom: Living for Your mission, making a contribution, and offering my talents to You.

Three newer things, through which I’m still looking for what I’ll learn:
Disappointment. Perhaps part of aging… you learn your opportunities are more limited than they used to be. Wishing some things were different, knowing some things may never change.

Worship Team/Praise Team. Enjoying putting my talents to use, being in a leadership role for a chance to make things different!

Close girl friendships – thankfulness for deepening connections, happiness to walk the journey with people I enjoy!

God, this is remarkable! I was able to fill pages with notes about big things You’ve given or taught me in 30 years. I give You all the glory!

When I look at my life on a day-to-day basis, sometimes it feels like I’m just going through the motions, and maybe I’m not doing the right things. Maybe I’m not growing. But when I look at the big picture, I see how Your hand has worked! You have taught me. Blessed me.

It's like watching my children grow up. Seeing them every day, I don't notice the thousands of small changes that are constantly happening. But when I look at snapshots of them at different points, I can tell how much they have grown.

Looking at the whole course of my life, I can see how you walked with me through every doubt, answered my every desire, gave me everything I need for life and godliness. Each experience with You has taught me or given me something. Shaped my heart, made me who I am. I have been immeasurably blessed with knowledge, relationships, and meaningful opportunities to serve.

On this, the occasion of my 30th birthday, I give myself to You all over again. This time, I want to be more moldable. I want to listen better and be quick to take in what You’re trying to teach me. But mostly, I truly want to thank You . The beauty of Your work in my story is amazing!

Love,

Talk to me, Baby!

Miss Kate is now 26 months old... and she is totally hilarious! She has started to get to the age where she says funny stuff that you want to write down. So I thought I'd give you a taste of some of the things I hear around the house these days!

KATE'S FUNNY PHRASES (some spelled phonetically, for effect)

What in the weeld?

Mmm-hmm, I do.

Mom, wha we go-wing?

I-I-I do it allllll by my-self-ahhh.

Wiyah's a BOY. Kate's a GEEEL.

He's "say-prayer-ing."

I'na be nekid. I'm nekid geeel!!

My hair's crazy.

We have that at Kate's house!

I'll be buh-spec-tul (respectful)

Kate's favit color puh-ple. Wiyah's favit color bah-LOOO.

Q-me, ma'am.

Can I sit by youuuu?

I had it fust!

I-I-I'm sorry, Wiyah.

Mom, I wuv you.

KATE'S CRAZY CONVERSATIONS

Bicky: Kate, let me tell you something.

Kate: Whoa.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Kate (sitting on Bicky's back - Bicky laying on the floor during quiet time at Kindermusik class): Mom, I wuv you.

Bicky (lifts head up to answer): Kate, I love you, too.

Kate (pushes Bicky's head down): Go to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bicky (referring to the movie we watched): Did you see candy, and rainbows?

Kate: Spark-uh-leeee!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bicky: Kate, did you bite Landon?

Kate: Mom, I wuv you.

KATE'S SILLY SITUATIONS

Kate doesn't usually go to worship with us; at our church, children ages 0-3 stay in the nursery the entire time. So when we visited a friend's church, she was enthralled by everything that was going on! She loved the song leader. She stood up in my lap to copy his hand movements. When the group fell silent as the song ended, she clapped her hands and said, "We did it!"

We also gave her some money to put in the collection plate. Instead, when it came by, she took some money out! I guess she thinks people get paid to go to church.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few days ago we were standing next to a Coca-Cola semi when it released its air brakes. The loud "TSSSSSSSS" scared her at first, but then she said, "Bless you, Truck!"

I have never enjoyed my little girl more than I am enjoying her now! She is absolutely delightful, and keeps me laughing all the time!

Kids Say The Funniest.....

Kate is looking at the Adam and Eve story in the children's Bible.

Kate [to Eve, distressed]: Don't eat that! Don't eat that apple!

~~~~~~~~

Elijah: Is Beau [Bicky's cousin] a doctor?

Bicky: No, he has a special job. When people's backbones don't work, he helps them in their surgeries by giving them metal in their backs instead of bones. 

Elijah [pauses, eyes wide with amazement, then quietly] ...like Wolverine?

~~~~~~~~

Kate: What's that noise?

Bicky: That's thunder.

A few minutes later, Kate hears thunder again.

Kate: Listen! ...Underwear!

That's What Little Girls Are Made Of

Last night, when Kate was getting ready for bed, she was fairly grumpy. We asked her a series of questions that were all met with the same answer, until..... well, you'll just have to read the conversation below.

Bicky: Do you want to give Dad a kiss?

Kate: NO!

Bicky: Do you want to give him a five?

Kate: NO!

Bicky:  Do you want to give him a hug?

Kate:  NO!

When we saw a pattern forming, Lance chimed in with a series of funny questions with obvious answers.

Lance: Do you want to brush your teeth?

Kate:  NO!

Lance:Do you want to get a spanking?

Kate: NO!

Lance:Do you want a million dollars?

Kate: NO!

Lance: Do you want to go to bed?
Kate: NO!

Lance: Do you want a new pair of shoes?

Kate: NO! .... uh-huh.

Lance: Do you want to go see your toy?

Kate: No..... SHOES.